Conflict or difference?
I met a man, a former veteran, with lived experience of homelessness at a facilitation training event a few years ago. We were talking about how to handle conflict when facilitating groups. He said something that has stayed with me ever since: “What you are calling conflict, I would call difference. Be careful not to escalate a difference by calling it a conflict.”
I started to notice how often the word ‘conflict’ was being used at work, in coaching conversations and in day to day language. I became more aware of my own choice of words – did I really mean conflict? Or did I mean disagreement, difference, alternative view? What happened when I changed the words?
“I don’t do conflict”
Most people don’t like to upset other people. And so we are polite and not too direct (I’m living and working in the UK – cultural norms are another interesting conversation)! Our intentions are good – we strive for harmony, belonging, consensus and good relationships. We don’t want to hurt or offend.
But… if we are all striving for harmony, why is the word ‘conflict’ so often used in workplaces? Why do I often hear in coaching conversations things like “I don’t do conflict” or “I just wanted to cry when there was conflict in the meeting”?
Avoiding discomfort
How comfortable are you being candid? How comfortable do you feel saying something to a colleague which you know will be a point of difference between you?
This next bit is going to sound candid. Maybe you are telling yourself that you are prioritising harmony, but in truth you are prioritising your own comfort. You are protecting yourself from discomfort.
If that rings true, it might feel a bit uncomfortable. However, before you squish it back down, give yourself a pat on the back for your self awareness! Maybe you feel clumsy or ill-equipped to be candid – but now you know you can do something about it. It’s a learnable skill.
Here are some reflection points to support you:
- What am I noticing about myself in this situation / interaction?
- What am I feeling in my body?
- What am I choosing?
- What am I gaining by making this choice (the payoff)?
- What are the consequences of me making this choice?
What matters most?
When there is difference or disagreement between people in your team, this is healthy! Nothing much progresses when everyone agrees, after all. You could use a needs based approach to start a conversation to explore the difference.
Non-violent communication (NVC) can be helpful to explore what matters most – to you and to the other person in the interaction. It can help with naming needs, inviting team members to be open, and modelling that it is safe to do so.
Here are some questions to keep in mind next time a difference arises:
- What is most important to you?
- What emotions are you feeling as a result of your need not being met?
- What do you think the other person’s need is? What are they feeling? Have you asked?
Find out more: Feelings and Needs Inventory – Center for Nonviolent Communication
Psychological safety
A bit like ‘culture’ can feel difficult to get a hold of (I wrote in my last post), ‘psychological safety’ can also feel a bit vague.
Let’s start with what it is not. Psychological safety is not avoiding conflict, being ‘nice’ or allowing an ‘anything goes’ space.
It is about group norms, how people feel as part of the team they are in, how people behave towards others in the group. It is about authenticity, people being able to disagree constructively, about how teams learn, take risks and innovate.
Find out more: I like this post for its clarity and how it links psychological safety to other concepts like conflict and trust.
Like culture, psychological safety in a team needs intention and nurturing. I like this question by Prof.Amy Edmonson for the way it makes the concept tangible – something you could have a team discussion about, which could help you co-create agreed behaviours.
“How would you describe work environments where you believe you have been able to take interpersonal risks, or speak up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes?”*
What would happen if you invited this conversation in your team?
*Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological Safety and Learning Behavior in Work Teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-383. And Psychological Safety | Reimagining Leadership Project | Newcastle University
Find out more about the support I offer
I love this work; I find it fascinating! Mostly I love making it practical for teams.
I will be offering free 45-minute webinars in September and October.
If you are looking for support on growing and nurturing your team or organisation’s culture, get in touch for an informal conversation at hello@laura-cockram.co.uk
